"Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations, and say continually: 'The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart has trusted in Him and I am helped. He is not only with me but in me and I in Him."
~St. Francis de Sales
Mary Lenaburg had this quote printed on a handout that she passed around at a women's retreat last weekend that I attended and the message couldn't have been more timely for me--although it's certainly easier said than done. To say I've been entertaining anxious thoughts as of late would be a bit of an understatement. Any of you who know our story know that I've lost two babies in my second trimester over the past few years so I'm, I would say understandably, a bit anxious until I can at least feel my babies kicking and have a little reassurance of their well being.
I just had my sixteen week visit last week, and everything was completely normal, but I went about preparing for that visit in a way that probably wasn't. Before every second trimester prenatal visit I find myself mentally preparing to not hear a heartbeat. To see that concerned look in the doctor's eyes as they're wielding the doppler. To have to deliver the baby that afternoon. So, instead of being excited to see how the baby's doing I spend the days prior to my appointments:
- cleaning the house in case we have to call in friends to stay with the children while I'm in the hospital.
- checking to see whose feast day coincides with the day of the appointment so I'll have a name ready just in case (thankfully, we won't be adding a Julius to the family this year).
- sitting down and realizing that my heart is racing because I'm having a bit of an anxiety attack without even realizing that I was worried in the first place.
- giving myself a pedicure because you forfeit enough dignity when you're delivering a baby as it is--you should at least be able to look down and see that your toes are presentable even if nothing else is.
- and just sitting around in general and imaging the worst.
I'm a bit of a mess.
Intellectually, I know that God will give me the strength to bear whatever comes because He has before. I shouldn't worry. I should assume everything is fine unless I find out otherwise.* On the other hand, emotionally, I still haven't unpacked my box of maternity clothes, and it's not because I don't need them yet. I've just been taking out what I need to wear and then putting it back in the box once it's clean again. If you've ever had to take all the maternity clothes out of your closet and prematurely pack them back up in a box you understand my hesitancy.
I've got my big ultrasound in two weeks and then another appointment two weeks after that so I don't have any more huge lapses of time to go without checking in on the baby. Maybe after those I'll finally unpack my maternity clothes into my actual closet. In the meantime I'll just keep reading this quote that I ripped off of the bottom of the handout and attached to my refrigerator with a magnet and try my best to be at peace.**
It does help to have friends who suggest lovely nature walks to see the bluebells, even if nature walks with children are never quite as relaxing as you imagine they will be. Especially when it's eighty degrees and they opt to carry Nerf guns in lieu of water bottles. Also, I can't believe we've lived here for four years and this is the first time we've gone to see the bluebells.
*I totally just had to change this from "until" to "unless." Unless we find out something's wrong, not until. We aren't necessarily going to find out that something's wrong. I really am a mess.
**Okay actually it's being held up with one end of a magnetic curtain rod that the owners of our house left behind so it looks even more classy than you are imagining.