On The Christmas Tree and Liturgical Living

This tree.  Oh this tree has a story.  The day we were supposed to go tree hunting at the local Exchange Chris called from work and said there was no way he was going to be able to make it.  Well instead of disappointing the children....again.....I decided to woman up and go and procure us a tree by myself.  Well, not by myself.  I'm hardly ever by myself.  I had my trusty team of very helpful helpers to assist me.  And by assist I mean run screaming through the forest of pre-cut trees disappearing and reappearing at will, while I quickly picked out the cheapest/least sad tree on the lot.

They strapped it to the roof for me and I got it home, hauled it down, carried it inside and set it up in the living room all by myself.  I even got the lights on for good measure.  Before Chris came home.  Which wasn't really difficult since he didn't make his appearance until 8:30.  On a Friday.  But I wasn't bitter.

I was pretty proud of the fact that the tree actually fit in the room since I am notorious for choosing gigantic trees that necessitate Chris sawing off the bottom when we get home so that we can fit them in.  Unfortunately I seriously underestimated the width of this beauty and it may be a wee bit too round for the room.

Don't worry though, there's still enough room to squeeze in the front door if you want to stop in for a visit.

And even get in some early morning calisthenics if you feel so inclined.

We strung the popcorn for some decorations but that's as far as I've gotten with the tree trimming.   I just really haven't been in the mood to start....and since it's already the fourth Sunday of Advent I think we're just going to go for it and do the tree decorating on Christmas Eve after the kids are in bed.  I've always thought that it sounded really fun and exciting for the kids to come down the stairs to see a decked out tree and all the presents on Christmas morning, but I've never been able to hold off the decorating that long because I usually find decorating so fun.

Well, it looks like this is the year.

And also like I really need to get started on the present wrapping since Chris cannot be put in charge of either wrapping or tree trimming.  Not because I'm too particular about how those two tasks are done.  No, no, no, no, no.  It's because I have a feeling he'll be busy assembling other things.  Why St. Nick insists on bringing toys that aren't just open and go I'll never know.

I have *almost* finished writing our Christmas cards though so those might even reach their destinations before Christmas begins.  Maybe.  So that's something, right?  And I've got some Christmas cookies baked and in the freezer, so I'm not a total disaster.

How are you're Christmas preparations going?  On track or a little (or a lot) behind like mine?  I really liked Auntie Leila's ideas on celebrating the Twelve Days of Christmas.  I've gone ahead and made a tentative plan and pretty much bumped all of our Christmas-y activities to the first twelve days of Christmas.

I'm not lazy, I'm living liturgically.

{p,h,f,r} The Christmas Crafting Edition

{pretty, happy, funny & real}

Auntie Leila asked if anyone had any Christmas crafting going on so I figured I'd oblige, but I've only crafted one thing for Christmas--unless you count stringing popcorn for the tree, which I totally do but am too lazy to photograph--so these little beauties will have to suffice for all my pretty, happy, funny and reals this time.  I like to make the kids at least some kind of handmade present each year, but this Advent hasn't exactly been going as planned.  Lucky for Margaret, hand sewing is very soothing to me so I was able to come through with her gift.  Also, it's a lot easier to think of things to make for a little girl than a troop of boys.  

I used this tutorial which just involves making a pattern using a cupcake liner and then decorating as desired.  They came together really quickly and are just a wee bit wonky, but so are my actual cupcakes usually so really that just makes these even more realistic.

When David saw what I was up to he decided that he really wanted to make Margaret something too.  Originally that included a cake, cookies, a tea cup, eggnog and more cookies but I was able to scale his ambitions back to just a cake.  He drew up a picture of what he wanted and I winged a pattern.  He was really excited to work on his project for about thirty minutes, sewing on a whole lot of beads to make sprinkles on top and then........he was pretty much over it.  He's got a lot of ideas that one. Hopefully in the future he'll have lots of people to bring them all to fruition.  For now I suppose I'm his people.  So I guess I've got one more Christmas craft to finish this week after all.....


And as always make sure to head over to Like Mother, Like Daughter for even more captured contentment.

On Having a Bit of Consolation

We've been doing pretty well here, the stomach bug is gone, the tree is up and Advent is back on track.  I'm still grieving but it's hard to fall into a pit of despair when there's so much that needs to be done.  The last time we went through the loss of a child it was in the beginning of Lent which felt like a much more appropriate time to wallow and process our grief.  Now everything around me is pointing to the birth of a child, the birth of The Child, and it's a constant reminder that unlike Mary I am no longer heavy with child.  On the other hand, unlike during Lent, Advent provides no end to every sort of chocolate treat imaginable to help me drown my sorrows, so at least there's that.

And also unlike last time, I have this precious little one who is very much still a baby, my baby, and still needs to be held and rocked and nursed and cuddled and who is such a consolation to my weary heart.

We have lost much, but we still have much to be thankful for--sweet baby snuggles and candy for dinner to name a few.

On Having a Less than Ideal Advent

This year Advent started out on the right foot, well as much on the right foot as could be expected when attempting to prayerfully anticipate the coming of the baby Jesus while your own baby has just gone.  By the first Sunday we had all the presents bought, the Christmas books down, the children's nativities out, the candles rolled and the Advent wreath made with a good hour to spare before dinner.  Of course Chris had gathered such a prodigious amount of greenery that I had enough left over to make a garland for the mantle as well, which meant there was only room at the table for the two of us to actually eat dinner, but still--the candle was lit and I'm sure the children enjoyed it from the other room.  

The actual *nice* nativity was more difficult to place this year since Margaret can reach just about anything she puts her mind to reaching but in the end it settled in nicely on the mantle--high enough for the baby not to be able to shatter, reachable enough for the big boys to put in their pieces of hay to make the manger soft for baby Jesus.

I even managed to have the kids write/dictate their Christmas lists which all included things that they will actually be getting which is not always an easy task when you do your Christmas shopping in October.

David's translates to:

Dear Santa, 

I would like 10 sheets of iron, 20 steel, 30 gold and silver, 20 bronze, 10 brass, 10 tenders of coal.  I also want Legos and a scooter.  This Advent, I'll let my brothers pick the games.
Love,
David

Apparently he wants to build his own child-sized train so that he and Margaret can ride it together.  I encouraged him to list some toys, just in case Santa doesn't bring raw materials.  The boys also all picked one thing to work on during Advent as their own gift to Jesus.

All in all, I was feeling pretty pleased with myself and how I pulled off that first Sunday after everything we'd gone through in the weeks leading up to it.

Advent, I've got this.

And then, the stomach bug.  First it was just Chris who wasn't feeling his usual self but by Friday the kids were going down fast and we spent the whole weekend in survival mode.  And disinfectant mode.  Survival-disinfectant mode.

There was no Christmas tree bought, no lights put up, no popcorn strung.  We didn't even remember St. Nicholas' Day and the boys forgot to put out their shoes. Luckily, St. Nick realized his mistake on Sunday morning and the kids eventually found their new Christmas picture books and chocolate coins along with a "get well soon" note tied up in a trash bag on the front porch.  I told the kids St. Nick must have been worried about spreading their germs around.  It was a very classy St. Nicholas Day.

With all that time lost, I'm feeling very behind on our Christmas preparations.  There are Christmas cards to write, cookies to bake, a tree to procure and decorate, Christmas dinner to plan, gifts to make, presents to wrap and just a little over two weeks to go.  There are so many things I should be doing right now, but mostly I just want to sit on the couch and luxuriate in the fact that I currently don't have to clean up after any sick children--maybe I'll just sit back and make a new and improved and more realistic Advent plan instead.  Sorry St. Lucy, things are not looking good for you.....

On Being Open to Life and Open to Death

I should have known the day wasn't going to go well when, nervous about my OB appointment later that morning, I opened up my book of daily meditations and found the day's title was A Christian Outlook on Death.

When I got to my appointment and there was no heartbeat to be found I wasn't taken by complete surprise because, unlike last time, I now spend the first half of each pregnancy thinking that everything is probably going to go horribly wrong and then the second half trying to convince myself that everything will be fine.  After I got past that formidable twenty week ultrasound with John and then Margaret I made them each a quilt by hand.  Every night I would sit down and patiently sew stitch after stitch praying and willing myself to believe that I would get the chance to wrap those babies up in their quilts and that I wasn't wasting my time with keepsakes that my baby would never need.

The day before this appointment I spent my time putting my house in order; tidying up, scrubbing the floors, dusting the furniture, folding all the laundry--just in case.  Just in case I would need to call in help.  Just in case it was weeks before I felt up to doing any of those tasks again.  Just in case I would be spending the night in a hospital laboring to bring one more child into the world who had already left it for another.  

If you had asked us a few babies back how many children we were going to have, we would have told you we were "open to life" but we would have had no idea of the full meaning of the phrase.  We've found out the hard way that you can't be open to bringing new life  into the world without also being open to death.  When you've carried death inside of yourself the reality of it presses in on you in a new way.  Every child lost is a reminder that death is always there waiting, inevitable--that we don't know how long we or our children really have.

We don't know how many children we'll be given that won't be ours to keep but we're open to life anyway.  We're open to death, we're open to love and we're open to loss and suffering if that's what we're called to endure.  We're open to God's will for our lives and trying to accept whatever that may be whether it's what we want or what he knows we need.

 . . .

After a good deal of arguing back and forth we were able to take our baby home with us from the hospital and bury her that afternoon at a nearby monastery. We are so thankful for everyone's prayers and offers of help and food and especially for all those who brought me wine and/or chocolate.  Please continue to pray for us as we grieve for the loss of this tiny, precious child.

Baby Frances, pray for us.