Open to Life and in the Military

**This is NOT an announcement**

John Michael is nine months old and Chris has been making fun of me for already wanting another baby.  Now, you may be on his side and agree that I am in fact a crazy lady with mostly irrational worries about my fertility, but I've been doing a lot of thinking about this and I've finally figured out the problem.

It's my countdown clock.

That's not to be confused with my biological clock--although I do already hear that one ticking loud and clear.  No, this is my "countdown to our impending move" clock and when it hit the one year mark it sent my desire to be pregnant right now into overdrive.

It's really hard to be open to life and in the military.  I mean, I know it's hard to be open to life in any number of other circumstances as well, but when you know you have to move every two years, your timing has to be just about perfect or you have me--the woman who perpetually arrives at each new town either pregnant or pregnant and alone or about to become pregnant and who has no real friends there to help and must rely mostly on the kindness of strangers or as I like to think of them, friends we just don't actually know yet.  Sometimes it feels like God is using my fertility solely as a means to give other people service opportunities.

All of that is to say, I'd really like to have a baby here where I do have friends that I've known longer than five months as opposed to there in that unknown location looming out in front of us where I most likely don't know anyone at all and could potentially be too far away for even family to come.  It doesn't help that there could be pretty much anywhere and although I'm sure it would be fine, I'd really rather not have a baby in Guam....or Japan.....or Guantanamo Bay.....not that those aren't all lovely places.....


I mean if I had a baby here I know pretty much what to expect and I may even get that much longed for baby shower (Auntie Leila says every baby should have a shower so who am I to disagree).

If I had a baby here I could be sure that I wouldn't need to worry about things like moving to our next duty location ahead of my husband--or worse having to stay behind--if I'll be too pregnant to travel when it's actually time to move.  We're about two months away from that iffy window where you don't know where or when exactly you're moving next so getting pregnant is taking a big gigantic leap of faith since you literally have no idea what the future holds except of course for the fact that it won't be happening where you currently live.

We could just wait--wait until we know exactly where we'll be going, wait until we can plan everything out, wait until everything will be perfect.  Even if we could count on the military to actually make a plan and not change it at the last possible moment, waiting for the "perfect" time to bring a new life into the world isn't really an option for us.  For one, we don't believe that that ever elusive "perfect" time really exists and, more importantly, we do know very well  that just because you want a child doesn't mean you get to have one and just because you conceive a child doesn't necessarily mean they are yours to keep.  Let's face it, if we put off having another child simply because we didn't know what the future had in store for us, John Michael would probably hold the title of  'baby of the family' indefinitely.

So my countdown clock keeps ticking and every month that passes that window of finally having a baby here and not there is shrinking and if it's making me feel a little crazy who can blame me?  I'd like to say that we've just turned our fertility over to God and that we trust in His timing--which we do in the sense that we're pretty much just winging it over here--but....well it's easier to say that than it is to actually let my own desire to control everything go and really stop worrying isn't it?

I know I should stop worrying and let the future unfold as it will, but that's not really in my nature--after all, who wouldn't want to be sure they could make more babies if they keep turning out as cute as this one?  

So, if Chris happens to mention to any of you that his lovely wife is a little bit crazier than usual, feel free to defend my honor and let him know that it's clearly not my fault--it's my countdown clock!  And also feel free to send up some prayers for me and all the other military moms out there trying to be open to life, I'm sure we could all use them :)