When we told David we were expecting he wasn't as excited as I thought he would be given the fact that he's been praying daily for twin sisters ever since I let him watch his first Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen movie last fall (I'm still not entirely sure we've convinced him that even if mommy did have twins they wouldn't actually be the Olsen Twins but that's another issue altogether). I asked him what was wrong and he looked up at me and said, "well, it might be like baby Katharine again."
We told him that we hoped that it wouldn't but I really didn't know just what to say because that was my first thought too.
It's my first thought whenever I find out anyone is pregnant. Some women are just excited if they find out you're expecting, but me, I have a little voice in my head that says something more along the lines of "oh, I really hope your baby makes it" or "I'd hold off on that baby shower if I was you" or "I probably wouldn't set up that nursery until your baby's actually here." Then I spend the rest of your pregnancy worrying about you and praying that you don't have to know what it's like to come home from a hospital without your child or to go through that again, whichever the case may be. I don't actually say those things out loud because....awkward....but the thoughts are always there.
It's been two years today since I delivered the little girl that wasn't ours to keep and in that time I've had one baby and have another on the way but the pain of the loss is still with me. With every pregnancy I think, "am I strong enough for this? Will I be okay if I never get to hold this child?" Filling in the hospital paperwork is just another reminder of our loss--number of pregnancies--5, number of live births--3, hopefully 4? Facing the anxiety of walking into an ultrasound and praying desperately for a heartbeat.
Of course none of the worrying helps and yesterday I felt like the gospel readings were pretty much solely for my benefit.
Worrying won't add a single moment to this child's life and I know that God will provide the strength I need for whatever the future has in store. I feel like it's impossible to go back to being a normal pregnant person who just assumes that being pregnant also means eventually getting to hold that baby in your arms safe and sound. Once you lose a baby, the realization of that possibility is always there, but I think I'll be spending this Lent praying for more faith and less worry and maybe even be able to throw around baby name ideas without feeling presumptuous.
Our baby is fine today, I'll try to let tomorrow take care of itself.